A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me.

This is my new favorite poem. Super weird, but insanely genius.


Lying together in the park on Seventh,
our backs smoosh grass and I say
I will love you till I become a child again,
when feeding me and bathing me is no longer romantic,
but rather necessary.

I will love you till there is no till.
Till I die.
And when that electroencephalogram shuts down, baby
that’s when the real lovin’ kicks in.

Forgive me for sounding selfish
but I won’t be able to wait under the earth for you
(albeit a romantic thought for groundhogs,
gophers and the gooey worms).
I will not be able to wait for you…

but I will meet up with you
and here’s where you will find me:
get a pen–

Hold your finger up
(two fingers if your hands are frail by now)
and count two stars directly to the left
of the North American moon.
You will find me there.
You will find me darting behind amazing quasars
Behind flirtatious winks
of bright and blasting boom stars!

Sometimes charging so far into space
the darkness goes blue.
I will be there chasing sound waves
riding them like two-dollar pony ride horses
that have finally broken free and wild.
I will be facing backwards, lying sideways,
no hands, sidesaddle, sometimes standing
sometimes screaming zip zang zowie!
My God, it’s good to be back in space… Where is everybody?

You will recognize my voice.
You will see the flash of a fire trail
burning off the back of me
burning like a gasoline comet kerosene sapphire.
This is my voice.
Don’t look for my body or a ghost.
I’ll resemble more a pilot light than a man now.

I’m sure some will see
this cobalt star white light from earth
and cast me a wish like a wonder bomb.
And I’ll think “Hmmph. people still do that?”

I’m sure I’ll take the light wonder bombs
to the point in the universe
where sound does end.
The back porch of God’s summer home.

It’s so quiet here, you float.
It feels the way cotton candy tastes.

I say to him… why do I call you God?
He says ‘Because Grand Poobah sounds ridiculous.’
(Who knew he was so witty?)
I ask him ‘Lord, so many poets have tried to nail it and missed, what is holy?’

At that moment,
the planets begin to spin and awaken
and large movie screens appear on Mars, Saturn and Venus
each bearing images I have witnessed
and over each and every clip flashes the word holy.

armadillos–holy
magic tricks–holy
cows’ tongues–holy
snowballs upside the head–holy
clumsy first kisses–holy
sneaking into movies–holy
your mother teaching you to slow dance
the fear returning
the fear overcome–holy
eating top ramen on upside-down frisbees
cause it was either plates or more beer–holy
drunk beach cruiser nights–holy
the $5.00 you made in vegas
and the $450.00 you lost–holy
the last time you were nervous holding hands–holy
feeling God at a pool hall but not church–holy
sleeping during your uncle’s memorized dinner prayer–holy
losing your watch in the waves and all that signifies–holy
the day you got to really speak to your father cause the television broke–holy
the day your grandmother told you something meaningful
cause she was dying–holy
the medicine
the hope
the blood
the fear
the trust
the crush
the work
the loss
the love
the test
the birth
the end
the finale
the design
in the stars
is the same
in our hearts
the design
in the stars
is the same
in our hearts
in the rebuilt machinery of our hearts

So love, you should know what to look for
and exactly where to go…

Take your time and don’t worry about getting lost.
You’ll find me.
Up there, a finger and two dots away.
If you’re wondering if I’ll still be able to hold you
…I honestly don’t know

But I do know that I could still fall for
a swish of light that comes barreling
and cascading towards me.

It will resemble your sweet definite hands.
The universe will bend.
The planets will bow.
And I will say “Oh, there you are. I been waitin’ for ya. Now we can go.”

And the two pilot lights go zoooooooom
into the black construction paper night

as somewhere else
two other lovers lie down on their backs and say
“What the hell was that?”

-Derrick Brown, Beat Poet

Yeah, I'm a Man-Hater.

I've always been one to learn from my mistakes. I do something stupid, then I remember it and I try my hardest not to do it again. This is a rule of thumb that I have placed on my relationships most definitely. I've been through many messy and heartbreaking relationships, friendships but mostly romantic relationships. I give someone an inch of my heart and they take a mile, or sometimes the whole thing and just ruin it. It's the one mistake I feel like I never really learn from. It is in my nature to see past the bad in people and cherish the good. I have learned recently that it is actually one of my strengths. But, all strengths have their negative sides. I want to believe the best in people. I can't help it. And it usually ends up hurting me when it comes to boys and men and the whole opposite sex in general. It always has.

I don't want to unleash my whole life story on you. Most of you know a lot of it anyway. But men really haven't done much good in my life. But, time and time again I believe that they will change or be different than the rest. And then I'm wrong. Every time. And really it's about more than just my experience. I look around me and all I see are examples of relationships that I don't want to be anything like. I was thinking about this a lot yesterday and I realized I don't know one romantic relationship within my family that I want to be like. That's really hard to think and even harder to write. But it's the truth and it's something I must acknowledge. So, when it comes to the perfect picture of marriage or dating, I don't have one. And that's really hard on me. I don't know what it looks like for a man to be the provider, protector, and true lover all at the same time. Therefore, my picture of men is completely warped.

So, now I've gone from an obsessed, boy crazy teenage girl to a cynical, skeptical, bitter old woman in the span of a year. In fact, I'm not sure I completely believe in true love. I know that's over-dramatic. But, really why should I believe in it? All I can really do is have faith that it exists. But the fact that I feel like a forty year old divorcee really screws with my mind and heart.

Now I'm questioning whether I will know true love when I see it. Will I accept it? Will I let it pass me by because I won't believe it's real? I'm in college now. I'm forming lasting relationships. And when it comes to dating (which I don't plan on doing this year), I have to really think before I act. I could potentially meet the man I'm going to marry here. That scares me TO DEATH. Especially knowing that I might not let him in because in my mind I will always be thinking, "He could be a complete fake. This could all be a game to him. It's not real."

These are the thoughts I struggle with. Sharing this is hard. But, if I don't throw it out there I will never be able to deal with it. This will probably be the most vulnerable topic I ever blog about. So, hopefully you don't think I'm one of those people who bears their soul on the internet. I promise I'm not that weird.

Anyways.

This is something I could really use prayer for. Because it could potentially damage my relationships. All I want is to follow God's plan for my life. If He brings me to do something, I don't want to say no because of my past or what I've seen. I want to say yes because I know He holds my future in His hands and He will never let me down. I will look for His heart in my future life mate. And he's out there. I know that for sure. I feel it. I pray for him every chance I get. But more importantly, I pray that I will be the woman he needs and that I will erase all of his negative outlooks on women.

Dear God, please change my calloused, bitter, man-hater heart. Help me to trust in you when it comes to them. I know you won't forsake me. Amen.