I've always been one to learn from my mistakes. I do something stupid, then I remember it and I try my hardest not to do it again. This is a rule of thumb that I have placed on my relationships most definitely. I've been through many messy and heartbreaking relationships, friendships but mostly romantic relationships. I give someone an inch of my heart and they take a mile, or sometimes the whole thing and just ruin it. It's the one mistake I feel like I never really learn from. It is in my nature to see past the bad in people and cherish the good. I have learned recently that it is actually one of my strengths. But, all strengths have their negative sides. I want to believe the best in people. I can't help it. And it usually ends up hurting me when it comes to boys and men and the whole opposite sex in general. It always has.
I don't want to unleash my whole life story on you. Most of you know a lot of it anyway. But men really haven't done much good in my life. But, time and time again I believe that they will change or be different than the rest. And then I'm wrong. Every time. And really it's about more than just my experience. I look around me and all I see are examples of relationships that I don't want to be anything like. I was thinking about this a lot yesterday and I realized I don't know one romantic relationship within my family that I want to be like. That's really hard to think and even harder to write. But it's the truth and it's something I must acknowledge. So, when it comes to the perfect picture of marriage or dating, I don't have one. And that's really hard on me. I don't know what it looks like for a man to be the provider, protector, and true lover all at the same time. Therefore, my picture of men is completely warped.
So, now I've gone from an obsessed, boy crazy teenage girl to a cynical, skeptical, bitter old woman in the span of a year. In fact, I'm not sure I completely believe in true love. I know that's over-dramatic. But, really why should I believe in it? All I can really do is have faith that it exists. But the fact that I feel like a forty year old divorcee really screws with my mind and heart.
Now I'm questioning whether I will know true love when I see it. Will I accept it? Will I let it pass me by because I won't believe it's real? I'm in college now. I'm forming lasting relationships. And when it comes to dating (which I don't plan on doing this year), I have to really think before I act. I could potentially meet the man I'm going to marry here. That scares me TO DEATH. Especially knowing that I might not let him in because in my mind I will always be thinking, "He could be a complete fake. This could all be a game to him. It's not real."
These are the thoughts I struggle with. Sharing this is hard. But, if I don't throw it out there I will never be able to deal with it. This will probably be the most vulnerable topic I ever blog about. So, hopefully you don't think I'm one of those people who bears their soul on the internet. I promise I'm not that weird.
Anyways.
This is something I could really use prayer for. Because it could potentially damage my relationships. All I want is to follow God's plan for my life. If He brings me to do something, I don't want to say no because of my past or what I've seen. I want to say yes because I know He holds my future in His hands and He will never let me down. I will look for His heart in my future life mate. And he's out there. I know that for sure. I feel it. I pray for him every chance I get. But more importantly, I pray that I will be the woman he needs and that I will erase all of his negative outlooks on women.
Dear God, please change my calloused, bitter, man-hater heart. Help me to trust in you when it comes to them. I know you won't forsake me. Amen.
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