Skinny Girl. Fat Love.

This is a paper I had to right for my success class. We read a book called This I Believe and then we choose something we believe and right about it. This is mine. :)

I believe in food. Now, I know what you are thinking. This girl weighs a grand total of 110 pounds; there is no way she eats that much. Well, actually, I weigh 120 pounds. I take pride in those ten extra pounds. I have a deep relationship with the food I eat. A lot of my time is spent eating and even more of my time is spent thinking about eating. I have no problem cleaning my plate. I cannot pick a favorite food. And I am a firm believer in second and third helpings. I am what they call a Starbucks Junkie. I would eat even if it were not crucial in sustaining life. And I have watched Super Size Me and I still eat McDonalds. Have I convinced you of my love yet?
My love for food is based on the food itself, but more and more I am learning that my passion is buried beyond just taste. It is not about the food anymore; it is about the people I eat the food with. Food has added to the foundation of many of my relationships and some of my fondest memories are tied to food. Eating breakfast with my little sister in the morning. My mom teaching me how to make macaroni and cheese for the first time. Running to Quik Trip for snacks with the cast before rehearsal. Fourth of July barbecues. Eating ice cream out of the carton with my best friend. And most recently, late night talks at IHOP and disgusting dinners in the ARA with my new friends. In fact, my group of OBU friends, or the so-called Wolfpack, met in the ARA so it does have a very special place in my heart.
Food brings people together. Think about it. If you have nothing in common with someone, you know for a fact that you both love food. Food eases awkwardness. Where do you go on a first date? You go out to dinner. What do you do at family reunions? You eat. Food is our greatest earthly comforter.
And yet, I take food completely for granted. I forget that millions of people see food as a luxury or a scarcity. I forget that too many people fight everyday for something I am given. But this will no longer be something I forget.
I will always believe in the power of food. Food brings people together. Food fuels love. Food lifts spirits. Food builds community. And I cannot wait to see how deep my relationship with food goes.

A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me.

This is my new favorite poem. Super weird, but insanely genius.


Lying together in the park on Seventh,
our backs smoosh grass and I say
I will love you till I become a child again,
when feeding me and bathing me is no longer romantic,
but rather necessary.

I will love you till there is no till.
Till I die.
And when that electroencephalogram shuts down, baby
that’s when the real lovin’ kicks in.

Forgive me for sounding selfish
but I won’t be able to wait under the earth for you
(albeit a romantic thought for groundhogs,
gophers and the gooey worms).
I will not be able to wait for you…

but I will meet up with you
and here’s where you will find me:
get a pen–

Hold your finger up
(two fingers if your hands are frail by now)
and count two stars directly to the left
of the North American moon.
You will find me there.
You will find me darting behind amazing quasars
Behind flirtatious winks
of bright and blasting boom stars!

Sometimes charging so far into space
the darkness goes blue.
I will be there chasing sound waves
riding them like two-dollar pony ride horses
that have finally broken free and wild.
I will be facing backwards, lying sideways,
no hands, sidesaddle, sometimes standing
sometimes screaming zip zang zowie!
My God, it’s good to be back in space… Where is everybody?

You will recognize my voice.
You will see the flash of a fire trail
burning off the back of me
burning like a gasoline comet kerosene sapphire.
This is my voice.
Don’t look for my body or a ghost.
I’ll resemble more a pilot light than a man now.

I’m sure some will see
this cobalt star white light from earth
and cast me a wish like a wonder bomb.
And I’ll think “Hmmph. people still do that?”

I’m sure I’ll take the light wonder bombs
to the point in the universe
where sound does end.
The back porch of God’s summer home.

It’s so quiet here, you float.
It feels the way cotton candy tastes.

I say to him… why do I call you God?
He says ‘Because Grand Poobah sounds ridiculous.’
(Who knew he was so witty?)
I ask him ‘Lord, so many poets have tried to nail it and missed, what is holy?’

At that moment,
the planets begin to spin and awaken
and large movie screens appear on Mars, Saturn and Venus
each bearing images I have witnessed
and over each and every clip flashes the word holy.

armadillos–holy
magic tricks–holy
cows’ tongues–holy
snowballs upside the head–holy
clumsy first kisses–holy
sneaking into movies–holy
your mother teaching you to slow dance
the fear returning
the fear overcome–holy
eating top ramen on upside-down frisbees
cause it was either plates or more beer–holy
drunk beach cruiser nights–holy
the $5.00 you made in vegas
and the $450.00 you lost–holy
the last time you were nervous holding hands–holy
feeling God at a pool hall but not church–holy
sleeping during your uncle’s memorized dinner prayer–holy
losing your watch in the waves and all that signifies–holy
the day you got to really speak to your father cause the television broke–holy
the day your grandmother told you something meaningful
cause she was dying–holy
the medicine
the hope
the blood
the fear
the trust
the crush
the work
the loss
the love
the test
the birth
the end
the finale
the design
in the stars
is the same
in our hearts
the design
in the stars
is the same
in our hearts
in the rebuilt machinery of our hearts

So love, you should know what to look for
and exactly where to go…

Take your time and don’t worry about getting lost.
You’ll find me.
Up there, a finger and two dots away.
If you’re wondering if I’ll still be able to hold you
…I honestly don’t know

But I do know that I could still fall for
a swish of light that comes barreling
and cascading towards me.

It will resemble your sweet definite hands.
The universe will bend.
The planets will bow.
And I will say “Oh, there you are. I been waitin’ for ya. Now we can go.”

And the two pilot lights go zoooooooom
into the black construction paper night

as somewhere else
two other lovers lie down on their backs and say
“What the hell was that?”

-Derrick Brown, Beat Poet

Yeah, I'm a Man-Hater.

I've always been one to learn from my mistakes. I do something stupid, then I remember it and I try my hardest not to do it again. This is a rule of thumb that I have placed on my relationships most definitely. I've been through many messy and heartbreaking relationships, friendships but mostly romantic relationships. I give someone an inch of my heart and they take a mile, or sometimes the whole thing and just ruin it. It's the one mistake I feel like I never really learn from. It is in my nature to see past the bad in people and cherish the good. I have learned recently that it is actually one of my strengths. But, all strengths have their negative sides. I want to believe the best in people. I can't help it. And it usually ends up hurting me when it comes to boys and men and the whole opposite sex in general. It always has.

I don't want to unleash my whole life story on you. Most of you know a lot of it anyway. But men really haven't done much good in my life. But, time and time again I believe that they will change or be different than the rest. And then I'm wrong. Every time. And really it's about more than just my experience. I look around me and all I see are examples of relationships that I don't want to be anything like. I was thinking about this a lot yesterday and I realized I don't know one romantic relationship within my family that I want to be like. That's really hard to think and even harder to write. But it's the truth and it's something I must acknowledge. So, when it comes to the perfect picture of marriage or dating, I don't have one. And that's really hard on me. I don't know what it looks like for a man to be the provider, protector, and true lover all at the same time. Therefore, my picture of men is completely warped.

So, now I've gone from an obsessed, boy crazy teenage girl to a cynical, skeptical, bitter old woman in the span of a year. In fact, I'm not sure I completely believe in true love. I know that's over-dramatic. But, really why should I believe in it? All I can really do is have faith that it exists. But the fact that I feel like a forty year old divorcee really screws with my mind and heart.

Now I'm questioning whether I will know true love when I see it. Will I accept it? Will I let it pass me by because I won't believe it's real? I'm in college now. I'm forming lasting relationships. And when it comes to dating (which I don't plan on doing this year), I have to really think before I act. I could potentially meet the man I'm going to marry here. That scares me TO DEATH. Especially knowing that I might not let him in because in my mind I will always be thinking, "He could be a complete fake. This could all be a game to him. It's not real."

These are the thoughts I struggle with. Sharing this is hard. But, if I don't throw it out there I will never be able to deal with it. This will probably be the most vulnerable topic I ever blog about. So, hopefully you don't think I'm one of those people who bears their soul on the internet. I promise I'm not that weird.

Anyways.

This is something I could really use prayer for. Because it could potentially damage my relationships. All I want is to follow God's plan for my life. If He brings me to do something, I don't want to say no because of my past or what I've seen. I want to say yes because I know He holds my future in His hands and He will never let me down. I will look for His heart in my future life mate. And he's out there. I know that for sure. I feel it. I pray for him every chance I get. But more importantly, I pray that I will be the woman he needs and that I will erase all of his negative outlooks on women.

Dear God, please change my calloused, bitter, man-hater heart. Help me to trust in you when it comes to them. I know you won't forsake me. Amen.

Oui et Non.

OUI:
1. It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
2. The Wolfpack
3. Getting Antigone
4. Having my entire music library transformed (Thank you, Ethan Stevens)
5. TWIRP Week (The Woman Is Required to Pay)
6. Having all A’s
7. New phone
8. Actually having muscle for the first time in my life
9. Chocolate pudding in the cafeteria
10. BOB DYLAN

NON:
1. Being sick
2. Liz keeping the room at 65 degrees
3. Rehearsal EVERY SINGLE NIGHT
4. Philosophy (this will be on every list)
5. Being poor
6. Not ever looking cute
7. Always being tired
8. Hardly having any me or Jesus time
9. OBU internet
10. Having my musical interests trumped (Thank you, Ethan Stevens)

Practice Resurrection

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion — put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn’t go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

-Wendell Barry

College Life.

YES:

1. Labor Day weekend
2. Henna
3. My new crew (Ethan, Ben, Erin, Ryann, Haylee)
4. Amazing upper classmen
5. Mix CDs from my new friends
6. Spin class
7. Having my first love come from New Orleans to see me after two years
8. Shawnee restaurants
9. Shannon: My awesome roommate
10. Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes

NO:

1. Shawnee rain
2. Philosophy
3. My phone constantly turning off for no reason
4. Six hours of theatre studio time a week
5. Sore butts
6. Bad reception in the basement
7. Luke warm coffee
8. Liz: My not-so-awesome roommate
9. Stress about Antigone auditions
10. Missing my best friends...

Conditional Love

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what love is and what it really means. I think I’ve probably always had some kind of problem understanding or accepting love in one way or another. I have what they call “daddy issues” and I’ve had my very fair share of stupid boys. But, I’m not sure that is really where my warped perception of love comes from…

Think about how easy it is to say “I love you” to someone. I personally say it probably at least five to ten times a day. Love is something that is tossed around constantly in our society: We text it. We yearn for it. We show it. We confuse it. We use it as an excuse. We fight for it. We fake it. We reply with it. We make it….but do we ever think about it?

I remember a long time ago I learned that love is not a feeling; it’s a choice. I think I was really shocked when I heard that because it didn’t make sense to me. Not until I got older. Love is a choice. There are people in my life that are easy to love and there are people that I have to make a constant decision to love. I mean, think about it. Think about the last girl who broke your heart. The last boy who left you in the dust. The last friend who turned their back on you. Did they really love you? Sure, they said it and acted like it at the time, but does that really mean anything now? How could they love you when they hurt you so bad? And then what about you? Do you really love them even after everything was said and done?

Sadly, this has become our definition:

Love = conditional

This is usually how it works: I love him today because he’s treating me right. And then tomorrow: I don’t love him anymore because he broke up with me.

It’s a day-by-day basis. I love you if you love me. But that is the complete opposite of what love really is.

Love is a minute-by-minute choice to continually love someone no matter what. No. Matter. What. Love is true in the good times and even truer in the bad times. Love forgives. Love forgets the tears and remembers the laughs. Love lives and breathes and speaks throughout your being. Love endures through bad attitudes, harsh words, and final goodbyes. Love doesn’t change even when you do. Love is not a feeling. Love is nothing like we say it is.

Jesus never has a day where he just doesn't want to deal with us or changes his mind about us, so why do we have those days with other people?

I want to love my family. I want to love my friends. I want to love my classmates. I want to love my teachers. I want to love my church. I want to love my boss. I want to love my co-workers. I want to love total strangers. I want to love my ex-friends. And yes, I even want to love my ex-boyfriends. All of them. No matter how crappy they were. Haha.

So, today I am vowing to love. I will choose to love like Jesus loves: unconditionally.